17 Mar A bit of humour in the happiness debate…
According to incredulous sources, local hardware store employee and grown adult human being Rob Peterson, 37, actually expects to be happy in life.
Despite possessing a fully developed brain and a general awareness of the fundamental nature of existence, sources said Peterson apparently continues to believe that achieving long-lasting happiness is somehow possible.
"It's almost like he thinks reaching a place of enduring contentment with yourself and your life is some sort of obtainable outcome," friend Brian McDougal said of Peterson, who reportedly lives on Earth, has experienced life, and is not mentally disabled or abusing narcotics of any kind. "He even gets upset sometimes when things don't go his way, as if misery and disappointment weren't a foregone conclusion. And then, on top of that, he'll cheer himself up by saying that 'it's all going to work out in the end.'"
"I just want to shake him and scream, 'Wake up!'" McDougal added. "Jesus Christ, he's such a downer."
Sources confirmed that while Peterson has been supplied over the years with a glut of compelling evidence that life is a zero-sum game at best—including a thwarted career as a graphic designer, multiple failed relationships, and limited financial mobility—he nevertheless continues to cling to the misguided expectation that he can and will experience real serenity and joy in the long term.
The baffling man has also reportedly read a newspaper before, interacted with co-workers, knows how economies and political systems work, and is undergoing the process of aging, yet has made no effort to revise his original assumption.
"What really gets me is the confidence he seems to have that one day he will be able to shed all of the fears and anxieties that are hardwired into his DNA and the modern world will decide to stop being unrelentingly brutal and allow him some happiness," said co-worker Miles Sagal, adding that the delusional Peterson inexplicably presumes that this not only could, but should, occur. "Whenever he's feeling low, he'll allude to sometime down the road when he'll have it all 'figured out.' When exactly does he think that will happen?"
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